GENEVA — Following an emergency summit convened under Article 7 of the Global Technological Anxiety Protocol, the United Nations has officially classified the proposed ‘AI slowdown’ as a Category 5 existential event requiring immediate chromatic intervention.
The three-day closed session, which concluded yesterday, produced a 847-page framework document addressing what diplomats describe as ‘the beige crisis.’ The document does not specify what an AI slowdown actually is, but establishes comprehensive guidelines for its appearance.
“We must ensure regulatory consistency across all jurisdictions,” stated Secretary-General Amara Okonkwo in a prepared statement released at 14:32 UTC. “To that end, we have identified seventeen candidate beige tones, ranging from Pantone 12-0605 (Warm Sand) to RAL 1001 (Beige). A subcommittee will convene in October to narrow this to nine.”
The summit revealed significant fractures among participating nations. The European Union advocates for a “cooler beige with undertones of institutional restraint,” while the United States delegation pushed for “a warmer, more entrepreneurial beige that signals measured caution without appearing overly cautious.” China abstained from the color discussion but submitted a 200-page technical memo on beige implementation timelines.
According to leaked internal documents, the actual mechanisms of an AI slowdown remain undefined. One anonymous delegate described the negotiations as “essentially arguing about paint samples while the building is on fire, though nobody can confirm whether the building is actually on fire or if we’re just very concerned about the possibility of fire.”
The next working session is scheduled for December 3rd. A preliminary color palette will be distributed to all member states by November 15th.