Premier League clubs are, we are told, “concerned.” Concerned is the word you use when a neighbour starts parking a caravan on your drive. Concerned is what the Premier League says when it has just watched the Prime Minister stand in a press room, lean toward the microphone and suggest that Manchester City’s appeal deserves a sympathetic hearing. Andy Burnham has not yet been shown a yellow card, which is more than can be said for the rest of the system.
Let us be clear about what is happening here. A football club has lodged an appeal against a ruling, and a head of government has wandered onto the pitch in a sharp suit, waving a lanyard and shouting that the linesman was from the wrong constituency. Nobody has asked for this. Nobody’s grandmother has written to the Cabinet Office to request a ceasefire in the second-tier appeals process. But here we are, with the Prime Minister acting less like a statesman and more like the club’s most vocal part-time coach, the one who runs up the touchline in his slippers.
Imagine the scene. The Prime Minister arrives at the Football Association hearing carrying a laminated tactics board titled “Democracy.” He asks for a review of the offside rule on the grounds that it is unfair to Salford. The panel retires for forty minutes and returns with a ruling that the Cabinet has no jurisdiction over stoppage time. The Prime Minister calls for a VAR review of the ruling. The VAR official, quietly terrified, watches the replay on a sofa in Stockley Park while the Leader of the Opposition shouts “Simon Says” from the stands.
It is the most ridiculous thing to happen to British sport since the chairman tried to buy a referee. And that is saying something, because the chairman has tried to buy several.