Portugal’s draw with DR Congo on Wednesday has triggered what can only be described as a full-scale mental health emergency across the footballing world. While Mbappé, Haaland, and Vinicius Jr. were out there dazzling their respective nations on Tuesday, Cristiano Ronaldo was held to a goalless stalemate—and apparently, this is now grounds for a civilisational collapse.
The real crisis is not that Portugal failed to beat a well-organised Congo side. The real crisis is that somewhere, a 41-year-old man woke up Wednesday morning knowing that younger, faster, hungrier players had stolen his thunder the day before. Somewhere, a manager was “scared to take him off” the pitch, which is the football equivalent of your mum keeping you on the guest list out of pity.
Fans have begun posting support group meeting times online. Therapists in Lisbon are reportedly booked solid through August. One Portuguese journalist described the draw as “a gentle reminder that even the greatest must eventually share the spotlight,” which is exactly the kind of thing you say to someone having a panic attack in the produce section of a supermarket.
The tragedy deepens: Ronaldo did not score. Other players did. The mathematics of this situation are devastating. One can only assume that by next week, we will need to establish a dedicated helpline for those struggling to process the fact that football, somehow, contains more than one exceptional player.