Stan Wawrinka has retired. The nation has responded the only way a serious country knows how: by passing an emergency decree, cancelling Tuesday, and instructing every household to gather around a television for mandatory viewing of his backhand. Nobody asked the Ministry of Sport whether this was appropriate. The Ministry did not ask either. It simply printed the posters.
The official reasoning, as far as anyone can tell from the press release, is that a man who won three Grand Slam titles in a golden era, lost honourably in Basel on an emotional night, and then walked off a court with the gentle dignity of a bus driver finishing a late shift deserves more than a polite tweet. He deserves a national holiday. He deserves a sombre hour of silence. He deserves a compulsory replay of the 2016 Australian Open final, with the sound turned up, while you sit on your sofa and reflect on your life choices.
Citizens who object are being gently reminded that the one-sided backhand highlights are available on loop in every shopping centre, and that the queue for the Wawrinka tribute sandwich is already out the door. Dissent has been filed under poor sportsmanship. Ask anyone who has tried to change the channel during a Wawrinka forehand. They will tell you it is not a request.