David Moyes has solved football. After years of managers making transfer decisions based on quaint notions like “tactical fit” and “financial sustainability,” the Everton boss has cracked the code: just ask the fans.
Following the 1-1 draw at Bournemouth, where supporters voiced their displeasure at the potential sale of teenage midfielder Harrison Armstrong, Moyes delivered his breakthrough insight: supporters aren’t always wrong. From there, the logic is airtight. If supporters aren’t always wrong, they should be always right. Democracy, innit.
The proposal is elegantly simple. Every transfer decision gets put to a national referendum. Should Armstrong stay? Text KEEP to 80085. Want to flog him to Brighton? Text SELL. The manager becomes a ceremonial figurehead, like the British monarchy but with a clipboard and a headset. Tactics are voted on by plurality. Formation changes require a supermajority. Substitutions happen via text message.
The beauty of this system is that it removes the burden of accountability from anyone who actually knows anything about football. If the fans vote to sell your best player and the team collapses, well, democracy spoke. If they vote to keep an injury-prone squad and you miss the Champions League, that’s on them too. Moyes gets to manage by committee—the committee being millions of people who have never played the sport at professional level but have very strong opinions formed at 10 p.m. on Reddit.
Everton fans should brace themselves. They’ve been handed the keys to the asylum. Use them wisely.