Westminster ground to a halt this morning as MPs abandoned all other business to convene an emergency session on what one backbencher called ‘the greatest constitutional threat since the dissolution of the monasteries.’ The trigger: Manchester City’s potential relegation following the Premier League’s verdict on 115 charges of financial misconduct.
Labour’s shadow sports minister delivered a twenty-minute speech comparing the situation to the fall of Rome, complete with references to bread and circuses. ‘If we allow Manchester City to fall,’ she thundered, ‘then no institution in this nation is safe. Today it’s City. Tomorrow it could be your local council.’ The chamber erupted. Someone actually fainted.
The government’s response was equally unhinged. A junior minister proposed the creation of a ‘Soccer Democracy Protection Act,’ suggesting that relegating a club with 115 charges against it would set a dangerous precedent for holding anyone accountable for anything ever again. ‘Where does it end?’ he asked, apparently serious. ‘Next they’ll want consequences for other rule-breakers. Chaos.’
Meanwhile, economists warned of a ‘cascading financial apocalypse’ that will somehow affect mortgage rates, the price of milk, and Britain’s standing in the Eurovision Song Contest. One think tank released a report suggesting Man City’s potential demotion could destabilize the entire global financial system, though they admitted they had not actually read the charges.
By lunchtime, three separate petitions had gathered over two million signatures. Democracy, it seems, means never having to say you’re sorry—especially if you’re very, very rich.