Amy Hunt has done it. Four gold medals at the European Athletics Championships. Four. The nation has collectively lost its mind, and frankly, we deserve to.
Parliament convened an emergency session yesterday to declare August 17 a permanent national holiday. Hunt Day. Children will no longer attend school on this date. Office workers will receive mandatory paid leave. The Queen’s Speech has been rescheduled to accommodate the mandatory two-hour chanting ceremony that now begins at noon in every town square across Britain.
Statues are already being erected. Seventeen so far, with planning permission approved for another forty-three. One limestone monument in Birmingham stands twelve meters tall and depicts Hunt mid-stride, one arm thrust skyward, the other clutching an imaginary baton. Tourists are weeping at the base.
The government has introduced the Hunt Pledge of Allegiance, to be recited before every sporting event, parliamentary session, and family dinner. “Four golds, one Hunt, infinite glory,” it reads. Noncompliance carries a fine of £500 or community service at a local athletics track.
Social media has fractured into factions. Hunt fundamentalists demand she be given the keys to every major city. Moderates suggest merely renaming the country “The United Kingdom of Hunt.” A fringe group in Cornwall is petitioning to have her face added to the currency.
When asked about the hysteria, Hunt reportedly said, “Are you not entertained?” Parliament is still debating whether this constitutes a second national holiday.