After six decades without a major tournament win, England’s Football Association has finally identified the root cause of its international suffering: alcohol. The new behavioural guidelines now forbid players from drinking on match day and the day after, a restriction so severe it makes you wonder why they didn’t think of this in 1966.
Let us be clear about what we are being told to believe. England did not lose because of tactical naivety, injury management, or the psychological weight of expectation. England lost because someone had a pint on a Thursday. The same nation that produced the 1970 World Cup squad—men who drank like it was their job and still nearly won it all—is now treating alcohol like it invented the offside trap.
The irony is exquisite. For years, we blamed managers, blamed referees, blamed the weather, blamed the scheduling. We never once considered that the problem was not the system, not the culture, not the fact that every tournament feels like a hostage situation. The problem was simply that the lads were having a laugh down the pub.
If this works, the FA should immediately patent the concept and sell it to every struggling institution in the world. Lost a war? Ban the generals from having wine. Stock market crashed? Prohibit traders from champagne. It is almost too simple. England’s 60-year drought ends not with innovation or excellence, but with abstinence—the most joyless path to glory ever conceived.
We will find out soon enough if sobriety is what transforms a team into champions. Something tells us the real problem was never the booze at all.