In what historians are already describing as the darkest day in 131 years of rugby league, the Crusaders suffered a defeat so total, so comprehensive, so mathematically devastating that the nation has begun the collective process of grief.
The 134-point margin—a scoreline that makes even the most hardened defeat sound quaint—has triggered emergency meetings among sporting authorities, who are reportedly considering whether the match should simply be struck from official records and replaced with a moment of silence.
“This is not a loss,” declared fictional analyst Trevor Blackwell on Sportsbore Radio. “This is a rupture in the fabric of competitive rugby league. We are witnessing the moment a team did not merely lose, but ceased to exist on the field of play.”
Fans gathered outside the stadium with wreaths and candles. One supporter, interviewed through tears, said: “I came here today to watch rugby. I left having witnessed something between a sporting event and a historical atrocity.”
The Crusaders’ defence, which apparently decided to take the afternoon off mid-way through the second half, has become the subject of serious academic inquiry. Sports sociologists are asking difficult questions: How does a team concede 134 points? What happens to the human spirit when it realises the scoreboard operator has stopped laughing?
Calls for a national day of remembrance are gaining traction. One petition, already signed by dozens of people who actually watched the match, demands the Crusaders be given a participation medal just for showing up.
The opposition, meanwhile, has been asked to delete their highlight reel out of basic human decency.