In what can only be described as a watershed moment for Brazilian football, the five-time World Cup champions have at last discovered the secret formula: playing teams that exist primarily in the Copa América as an afterthought. A 3-0 demolition of Haiti has sent shockwaves through the tournament, with analysts now cautiously whispering that Brazil might—just might—be ready to compete against nations that field players whose club teams play in recognizable leagues.
For weeks, we have watched Argentina glide through matches with the grace of a samba dancer who actually practiced, while France reminded everyone why they won the last two tournaments. Meanwhile, Brazil shuffled around the pitch like they were searching for their keys in a dark room. But Haiti? Haiti presented the perfect opponent to finally unlock the door to mediocrity.
The three goals came with all the difficulty of a penalty shootout against a goalkeeper who had called in sick. Each strike was met with the kind of jubilation you might reserve for discovering your flight wasn’t cancelled. Commentators struggled to contain their excitement that Brazil had, at minimum, remembered how to score more goals than their opponent.
With this resounding victory over the hemisphere’s most overmatched participant, Brazil can now turn their attention to the real test: facing an actual World Cup contender. Until then, we shall celebrate this triumph as if they had just won the tournament itself. After all, the bar has been set exactly where it needs to be.