A government taskforce spent months designing a dog licensing scheme. The proposal was straightforward: owners register their pets, prove basic competence, reduce attacks. Ministers read the report and immediately threw it in the bin.
Their reasoning? Licensing is too complicated. Too bureaucratic. Too much paperwork for a nation that has somehow managed to regulate everything from e-scooter parking angles to the exact decibel output of leaf blowers.
Instead, the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs will launch a national referendum asking dog owners whether their animals are, in fact, good boys or girls. Results will be non-binding but will “inform future policy direction.” A focus group has already been scheduled to explore whether the term “good boy” is sufficiently inclusive.
The taskforce’s suggestion that dog control could prevent attacks has been dismissed as “alarmist.” One minister noted that most dog owners already have “a strong moral framework” and don’t need government interference telling them their pet shouldn’t maul the postman.
Meanwhile, the same government is currently drafting regulations requiring all garden gnomes to display QR codes linking to their ethical supply chains. A separate bill proposes fining homeowners £500 for grass that exceeds 8.3 centimetres in height.
Dog licensing remains dead. The referendum budget is £4.2 million. Voting begins next spring, assuming the government can agree on whether the ballot should be digital or involve actual dogs pressing their paws on ink pads.