The Scottish Conservative Party has announced a new employee wellness initiative: mandatory self-defense training for all senior staff members, effective immediately. The trigger, naturally, was the release of William Burns from prison—a man who previously threw acid at party leader Russell Findlay and, by most accounts, has not suddenly developed an interest in conflict resolution.
Findlay, displaying the kind of optimism usually reserved for startup founders pitching Series A rounds, has suggested that Burns might simply move on with his life. He has also warned that organised crime groups may still have “unfinished business” with him, which is party-speak for “this guy might try again and honestly who knows.”
The self-defense classes are being framed as a precautionary measure, not an admission that Scotland’s Conservative leadership now operates under genuine threat assessment protocols previously reserved for witness protection. A party spokesperson confirmed that all materials are available in the staff handbook under the heading “Just in Case.”
This is what political risk management looks like when the risk is not abstract polling numbers or media scandals, but an actual human being with a documented history of violence who is now, legally, allowed to exist in the same country. The Conservatives are not the first political party to face organised crime pressure. They are, however, possibly the first to respond by offering Krav Maga sessions and calling it professional development.
Burns was released on licence. Which means he has conditions. Which means someone is betting those conditions will hold.