Parliament has discovered a gap in its whistleblower protection framework: it does not protect whistleblowers. The realization came after Simon Andriesz, who spent months trying to tell the Financial Conduct Authority about financial crime, died last month while the FCA continued its investigation into whether his concerns were worth investigating.

MPs are now demanding urgent action on whistleblower safety. Specifically, they want seminars. Practical seminars. The kind where you learn which regulators to avoid, how to recognize when you’re being ignored professionally versus personally, and whether your life insurance covers “told the wrong person about fraud.”

The FCA, when asked about its response to Andriesz’s initial reports, issued a statement saying it takes all whistleblower concerns very seriously and will continue taking them seriously indefinitely, possibly after several more people die. The agency’s commitment to the investigation remains unchanged: glacial.

One MP called for a new statutory duty to protect whistleblowers. Another suggested a hotline. A third proposed a podcast. None suggested that regulators might, theoretically, act on information when they receive it, which would have solved the entire problem for free.

The seminars will launch next quarter and cost £8,000 per attendee.