A politician has decided that rabbit ownership requires state intervention. Not because rabbits are endangered or dying en masse in captivity, but because people might not understand that rabbits need food and space. The solution: mandatory training courses before anyone can adopt a bunny.
Mike Hedges, the architect of this regulatory masterpiece, believes rabbit owners should be “restricted” until they grasp the “needs of rabbits.” This is the kind of logic that gets applied to nuclear facilities and commercial aviation. Rabbits.
What does rabbit competency actually look like? The bill doesn’t specify. Which means somewhere, a government committee is now designing a certification exam. Multiple choice questions about hay types. A practical component where applicants demonstrate proper hutch assembly. A written essay on the emotional labour of bonded pairs.
Will this prevent rabbit suffering? Possibly. Will it also create a new class of bureaucrats whose entire job is verifying that you understand what a rabbit eats? Absolutely.
The beauty of this approach is its scalability. Once rabbit certification passes, someone will propose the same for hamsters. Then fish. Then houseplants. Within five years, you’ll need a permit to own a cactus, and there will be a 40-page government guidance document on “Succulent Hydration Best Practices.”
The opposition has already started calling it “hare-brained.” They’re not wrong. But they’re also not offering an alternative that prevents untrained humans from acquiring rabbits. So we’re stuck in the gap between doing nothing and licensing pet owners like they’re contractors.
The training program launches next spring. Enrollment is already at capacity.