In a stunning display of collective investor amnesia, Wall Street has announced it is formally breaking up with Big Tech—not because the relationship was unhealthy, but because everyone suddenly realized it at the same time.
The Nasdaq suffered its worst day since early 2025 this week, prompting a wave of portfolio managers to treat their tech holdings like a bad ex: block, delete, move on. The reasoning, sources say, is simple: Tech is cursed now. Definitely cursed. One fund manager was overheard muttering “digital doom” while deleting his Netflix password, as if the streaming service itself had personally wronged him.
Investors are implementing what insiders are calling a “Tech No-Touch Policy”—a sophisticated financial strategy that amounts to closing your eyes and pointing at literally anything else. Utilities are in. Dividend stocks are in. Mutual funds that track medieval pottery are apparently getting calls.
The irony, which nobody wants to discuss at the country club right now, is that Big Tech did not actually do anything different this week. The companies are still profitable. The earnings are still there. But sentiment is a fickle mistress, and right now she is dating Value stocks exclusively.
Wall Street’s relationship with technology has always been “it’s complicated,” but this time feels final. At least until next quarter, when everyone will inevitably remember that the future is still digital and buy back in at higher prices. For now, though, the Nasdaq can sit in the corner and think about what it has done.