In a stunning diplomatic breakthrough, top officials from the United States and China have agreed to settle their competing visions for AI-driven global dominance the way reasonable adults do: by playing hand games.
The decision came after Sunday’s talks in New York, where negotiators spent six hours debating whose artificial intelligence would eventually achieve sentience first, whose would be more benevolent while taking over, and whose would at least have the decency to keep humans around as pets rather than paperclips.
US officials came prepared with PowerPoint slides showing America’s AI supremacy through innovation, venture capital, and the kind of unregulated optimism that has never backfired. China countered with charts demonstrating their ability to scale anything to an absurd degree and their government’s proven track record of having very clear ideas about what technology should do.
When neither side would budge, Trump suggested they just throw hand signs. Xi found this refreshingly straightforward. Rock lost to paper. Everyone agreed this was exactly the level of strategic thinking the moment demanded.
The summit this week will formalize what both nations are calling an “AI Safety Framework,” which translates roughly to: “We promise to tell you when we build something that could end humanity, probably.” Experts note this is actually more honest than most corporate AI safety pledges, which promise nothing while using the word “responsible” seventeen times.
Both sides declared victory. Both are already lying about what they agreed to. Normal Tuesday in geopolitics.