A Middle East conflict has sent UK diesel prices to record highs, and we can now confirm what Westminster has been quietly planning all along: the most expensive, geopolitically roundabout cycling infrastructure investment in human history.
With petrol stations charging what used to be a down payment on a used car, commuters are finally doing the maths. A litre of diesel now costs roughly the same as a decent coffee, which means your morning commute is either going to be espresso-priced or pedal-powered. The government, naturally, is taking full credit for this masterstroke of incentive design.
Consider the evidence: fuel prices spike, cycling sales boom, and suddenly everyone in a 10-mile radius of London is discussing gear ratios at dinner parties. It is not a bug in global energy markets—it is a feature. The RAC warns that prices are “unsustainable,” but what they really mean is that the plan is working too well. Cyclists are already eyeing their oil-addicted neighbours with the smug satisfaction of people who made the right call, usually while wearing Lycra that costs more than the petrol they no longer buy.
The beauty of this scheme is its plausible deniability. Ministers can point to Middle East tensions, supply chain disruptions, and geopolitics while their transport advisors quietly high-five in the corridors of power. Nobody suspects a thing. The cycling lobby has basically won the lottery without buying a ticket.
So yes, your fuel bill is catastrophic. But somewhere, a government official is grinning, knowing they have accidentally created the greatest nudge toward sustainable transport since the invention of hills.