In a move that has left financial analysts simultaneously confused and oddly comforted, the Federal Reserve announced today that it will be channeling the spirit of Alan Greenspan to guide monetary policy decisions going forward. The late Fed chairman, who died at 100 in 2026, apparently has unfinished business in the markets.
“We realized that every major policy decision we make, someone asks: what would Greenspan do?” explained Fed Chair Janet Yellen’s successor during a hastily arranged press conference. “So we cut out the middleman. We simply ask him directly now.”
Greenspan’s ethereal presence has already begun influencing markets in unexpected ways. Bitcoin surged 40% yesterday after market participants reported hearing a faint, disembodied whisper of “buy the dip” emanating from the trading floor. The ghost has also been credited with a sudden rally in subprime mortgage derivatives—a move that has historians questioning whether Greenspan’s time in the afterlife has actually taught him anything.
When asked whether consulting a deceased economist about modern markets made any sense, the Fed offered a shrug and a statement about “unprecedented times requiring unprecedented measures.” The crypto community, never one to question good fortune, has already begun erecting digital shrines to Greenspan’s memory, complete with NFTs of his most famous non-committal congressional testimonies.
Market watchers now obsessively parse Greenspan’s every posthumous utterance for hidden meaning—much like they did when he was alive, except now the opacity is literally supernatural.