Primark has reportedly abandoned data science altogether and is now consulting a tarot reader to forecast which items will sell best at rock-bottom prices. This bold strategic pivot comes as ultra-cheap Chinese retailers continue to steal market share and the cost of living crisis forces shoppers to choose between Primark and, apparently, not eating.
The retailer’s new “supermarket tactic” — which involves stocking shelves like a grocer rather than a fashion chain — was supposed to be the answer. Instead, executives realized they were competing in a game where their Chinese rivals do not play by the rules of supply chain economics. Those competitors operate on margins so thin they would make a pencil look profitable. Primark, still beholden to shareholders and the minor inconvenience of paying workers, cannot match that.
So what happens when conventional retail wisdom fails? You hire someone who does not rely on conventional anything. The psychic, reportedly named Mystique, charges £500 per reading and has a 40% accuracy rate — which is somehow only slightly worse than Primark’s actual forecasting model.
For shoppers, this changes nothing. You will still find a £3 jumper next to a £4 jumper for reasons nobody can explain. The real takeaway is that Primark is finally admitting what we all know: in a race to the bottom against competitors who treat labor as a rounding error, even the cheapest British retailer cannot win on price alone. They can only win by being slightly less random than a crystal ball. The bar, quite literally, has never been lower.