Oil executives held a press conference today to express their genuine surprise—their hands trembling, voices cracking—that crude has jumped to $105 a barrel. “We never saw this coming,” said one CEO, wiping away a single tear before glancing at his quarterly earnings projection and smiling involuntarily.
The price surge, driven by escalating tensions in the Middle East and signs the Iran conflict will drag on indefinitely, has left the industry in a state of what can only be described as devastated euphoria. Shell’s investor relations team released a statement calling the situation “deeply concerning,” then immediately booked flights to Monaco.
Here is the thing nobody says out loud: oil companies do not want the Middle East to calm down. A peaceful resolution would be catastrophic—not for humanity, but for their profit margins. Geopolitical chaos is their business model’s best friend. Every headline about regional instability is basically a press release that reads: “Your gas tank just became more expensive. You are welcome.”
The irony is almost too perfect. They get to play the victim (“Market forces beyond our control!”), rake in record profits (“Supply concerns, you understand”), and pretend they are not quietly hoping every diplomatic effort fails. It is the financial equivalent of a mugger expressing shock that you had a wallet, then acting offended when you suggest they wanted to rob you all along.
Consumers, meanwhile, will simply pay more at the pump and assume this is how the world works. Which, depressingly, it does.