Regulators have finally cracked the code: children are vaping because the flavors are too fun. The solution? Rebrand every vape on the market after the things that make adulthood unbearable.
Under new consultation rules, vape companies will be forced to ditch names like “Strawberry Burst” and “Tropical Paradise” in favor of options that actually reflect what life is really about. Expect shelves lined with “Quarterly Tax Installment,” “Home Inspection Contingency,” and the premium line: “Reviewing Your Dental Insurance Coverage.”
The logic is sound, in the way that most regulatory solutions are: if teenagers find vaping appealing because it tastes like candy, then the obvious fix is to make it taste like dread. Why bother with actual youth engagement programs or understanding why kids start vaping in the first place when you can just make the product sound as thrilling as a spreadsheet?
Industry insiders are already workshopping new flavors. “Compound Interest on Credit Card Debt” is testing well with the focus groups. “Scheduling a Plumber at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday” has proven especially effective at making teenagers immediately put the device down and reconsider their life choices.
The real genius move: this might actually work. Not because the names are deterrents, but because any teenager who picks up a vape labeled “Renewing Your Vehicle Registration” will immediately feel so much older and more responsible that they will voluntarily age out of vaping by sheer existential weight.