England’s local mayors have just discovered the economic equivalent of a magic wand, except instead of making problems disappear, it makes money vanish from your holiday budget. They now have the power to slap an uncapped tourist tax on visitors—which is a polite way of saying they can charge whatever they want and call it infrastructure investment.
The hospitality industry is understandably panicking. Their concern is straightforward: uncapped levies (taxes with no upper limit) will either drive tourists away or force families to choose between visiting Bath and eating for a week. Prices will climb. Jobs will vanish. The usual cascade of economic misery that follows when someone discovers they can tax something and nobody has bothered to stop them.
But here’s where it gets fun. Imagine a future England where weekend breaks are exclusively for hedge fund managers and tech billionaires. Stonehenge gets a velvet rope. The Lake District becomes a private members’ club. Your local seaside town transforms into a theme park where the only attraction is watching ordinary people cry at the admission price.
Mayors, drunk on newfound power, will compete to see who can extract the most cash from tourists. Brighton charges £50 just to walk down the pier. Manchester imposes a “breathing tax” for the privilege of experiencing its nightlife. London simply gives up and renames itself Luxury Island.
The satire writes itself, really. We’ve finally found a way to make England’s tourism industry sustainable—by ensuring nobody can actually afford to visit. Problem solved. Infrastructure funded. Democracy working exactly as intended.