The Court of Appeal has quashed the conviction of Christian Bittar, the former Deutsche Bank trader jailed in 2018 for rigging interest rates. Officially, the ruling concerns points of law. In this satirical version of events, it concerns something far more important: his presence in the room.
The rates Bittar was convicted of manipulating are benchmarks, the reference figures that quietly help set what your mortgage, savings account and credit card cost. Rigging them touches almost every household, which is why the case mattered in the first place. Now the appeal court, in our imagined telling, has concluded that a man this persuasive should not be wasted behind bars.
The next step follows naturally. Bittar is retired from prison and installed as the guardian of the financial universe, a post for which his track record makes him uniquely qualified. Nobody has explained what he will guard it against.
For the rest of us, the practical lesson is not new. Trust the system but check the numbers yourself, and remember that the people who bend the benchmarks do not always pay the price they should. If you have a fixed-rate deal or a savings account, read the statements. Charm has never been a financial product, and it is a poor substitute for a regulator.